


we should hold hands so we don’t drown in the ocean

by blacksuns (orphan_account)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Divergence, Complicated Relationships, Fashion & Models, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Roommates, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 10:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/blacksuns
Summary: Somewhere in the midst of launching successful modeling careers, Seoul-Dubai-London connections and reminiscing everything they could’ve been if they had never fallen for each other, Sangyeon and Jaehyun find their ways from and back to each other.





	we should hold hands so we don’t drown in the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> I... don't know what this is, really. I wanted it to be a models AU loosely inspired [this tweet](https://twitter.com/doyoungsupreme/status/1163609499229233152), but I got in too deep and it escalated from a simple drabble to whatever in the world is this. Also, hello. You may know me as 98line on my main account. This is still me on my indie pairing bullshit, but I created this separate account as my wet milk (SangMil) fic dump because I like them too much and I obsess over numbers way too much to let myself have fun.
> 
> TLDR; hi, it's me, miss 98line, back at it again with my indie pairing bullshit, welcome to my sangmil fic dump! Title taken from Baek Yerin's [Maybe It's Not Our Fault](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRNBtocmQ58), which [Sangyeon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6FrPUXyAq4) covered. Hope you enjoy your stay and happy reading ♡

There are exactly three things that Lee Sangyeon hates more than anything on this Earth. First one being the attention deprived adults on Reddit who believe despising children as if they were the spawn of Satan is a personality trait that makes them so fucking special and so much better than people who have kids. Like, sure, having kids isn’t for everyone and Sangyeon understands that. Not everyone wants or is fit to be a parent, and that’s completely fine. He really can’t wrap his head around people who think they’re better than others for not having kids, going as far as calling people “procreators” and other weird, supposedly offensive names.

The second thing he hates with every fiber in his being is people who are mean to others for absolutely no reason. It doesn’t matter if you had the worst day ever, it doesn’t matter if you lost your job and your girlfriend left you, being a decent person isn’t that hard, and no one has the right to take their anger out on others who have nothing to do with the sources of their problems. Sangyeon thinks no one should be excused with shitty attitude because of social status or money, and much to his despise, there’s a particular type that Sangyeon has seen and met plenty of individuals who think they’re untouchable because daddy has a fat bank account and knows people in high places. Arrogant people have a very special way of crawling under his skin, and own a very big place on top of the list people he hates.

Last and third thing Lee Sangyeon hates is his roommate and coworker, Lee Jaehyun, who is a combination of everything he hates. Jaehyun is the spawn of Satan in every way possible — he’s evil in its purest form, this attention starved, obnoxious bastard, and attractive as fuck. And if you think that _yes, of course Jaehyun is beautiful, he’s a fucking model,_ then think again. Being a model isn’t just about being beautiful or tall and skinny but being a winner of the genetics lottery, and Jaehyun _knows_ that. Jaehyun knows he’s attractive and he’s very confident about it, and Sangyeon kind of hates that Jaehyun looks good at all times, and he hates even more that Jaehyun knows that he looks good at all times.

Every single thing Jaehyun does (and doesn’t) seems to scrape its way underneath Sangyeon’s skin and bother the living hell out of him. Jaehyun never buys groceries like Sangyeon asks him to whenever he’s the one in town, he can’t cook to save his life and he has almost burnt their place down several times, and as if that wasn’t enough, he also forgets to water their plants all the time. Their plants, their cellulose babies that they so affectionately nicknamed after their kids — Hyunjun, Sunwoo and Eric. How dare he let their baby plants die? Jaehyun stays in Seoul for at least a week every month, and he can’t even bother to look after their children, that does say a lot about him. The Devil himself would let their children die just because he’s a petty little bitch.

And even if they (technically) don’t live together because they’re rarely ever in town at the same time and their agency built their schedules in a way they don’t run into each other, Sangyeon still wishes he could live by himself. Nothing sucks more than coming home after twenty something days of sleeping in expensive hotels in European capitals and finding the fridge empty because his roommate couldn’t bother to go grocery shopping and decides to live on takeout instead. But Sangyeon is too busy and too tired to go looking for another apartment, and it’s not like living in a rooftop in Gangnam is bad.

Maybe living with Jaehyun is bearable because he doesn’t see him at all. He can’t fight with him over the lack of love their children have been receiving if he’s not there.

The way Sangyeon feels about him is... Ambiguous and confusing to a point he doesn’t even know what he feels. He obviously doesn’t hate him because Jaehyun can be a nice guy when he wants, and he knows he’s a good friend too. The kids love him. But he doesn’t know if they can be considered friends. They’re standing somewhere between the line of roommates and acquaintances. It’s weird, when Sangyeon thinks of how they ended up like this in the first place, as strangers living under the same roof.

Sangyeon might still be a little bit in love with Jaehyun, but if he has feelings for his nemesis or not, that is no one’s business to mind.

* * *

The story starts like this: 18-year-old Sangyeon decides to join an entertainment company after graduating high school to attempt a career as a kpop idol. He wins rounds and rounds of auditions and manages to score himself a kind of secure spot in Creker Entertainment’s trainee program as their next group’s main vocalist. There he meets Eric, Haknyeon, Changmin, Juyeon and Jaehyun. Each of them specializes in something, but most of them are dancers, so he doesn’t really worry about one of them possibly stealing his spot in the group. Jaehyun is a vocalist, but a lead vocalist, which doesn’t make him a threat either. The lineup of this new boy group is yet to be decided and the environment is naturally competitive, with this batch of trainees working harder and harder each day to ensure their spot in the group. It’s a new type of stress Sangyeon has now to deal with, constantly worrying about not doing as well as the others and being left out of the final lineup and pushing himself over the edge multiple times.

He needs to make it work, one way or another, despite the training process being so stressful and exhausting. It’s scary, too, because he’s placing all his bets on this kpop idol thing eventually working out for him, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do if it doesn’t. He confides in Jaehyun — they’re the oldest trainees, so it’s natural for them to be drawn to one another and look after the younger ones, and each other too. That earns them the nickname of parents of the group, and though Sangyeon thinks it’s too early for them to be this affectionate, given that he’s not close to most of the other trainees, it makes his heart warm. He’s a caregiver by nature, a mother hen, according to Juyeon. It’s not like he’s opposed to the idea of babying the younger trainees. He does. Jaehyun babies them a lot too.

Somewhere along the way to their debut, feelings and attraction got involved. They kiss for the first time late at night in the stinky practice room when they’re the only ones still practicing. Sangyeon kisses Jaehyun again just to make sure he wasn’t daydreaming, and Jaehyun kisses him back for good measure. To ensure it’s real. They sneak around a lot, waiting for everyone else to leave so they could be alone, convincing roommates to switch rooms with them just for the night, and for a while, it works. They kiss and they laugh and they cry and they make out and they fall for this trap called love, _all at once._ Sangyeon knows the look, the one Jaehyun gives him that signals it’s time for they to find somewhere they can be alone, and the others know better than nosing into their business.

The thing about secrets and lies is that whatever is built upon them is bound to crumble down like a house of cards. The truth about them eventually comes out. Somehow, the company finds out about their relationship and though it isn’t exactly romantic (Sangyeon struggles to put a label on this, _on them_), they can’t risk having a couple, or a couple of sorts, in their about to debut group. When they were to eventually break up, it would affect the entire group’s dynamics, fans would notice the sudden space in between them and speculations about them possibly ever being a thing would start floating around, and no one would want that. Not the company, not Sangyeon and Jaehyun, not the other members of the group. It’s something that would very likely end their careers if ever brought to light by the general public, and it’s too much of a liability for everyone involved.

With The Boyz’s first reality show already airing on 1theK’s YouTube channel, it’s impossible to quietly terminate their contracts and let them go of the company without sounding very suspicious, especially now that there are allegations of LGBTQ+ idols in big idol groups and rumors about a lot of idols not being straight and supposed evidence floating in every corner of the internet. There’s no way of getting rid of two members of the same group without giving the fans a good reason not to suspect anything major went down behind the scenes and that the decision of leaving the group prior to its debut was based solely on their personal decisions and best interests, knowing fans will dig into anything that looked remotely suspicious. The company doesn’t edit out their parts in the reality, but they do release a note telling fans Sangyeon and Hyunjae have left The Boyz to focus on their modelling and acting careers. Fans are taken by surprise but wish them the best of luck in the choices they’ve made, promising to support them in whatever path their careers would follow.

This way, The Boyz can continue as a group of ten members and make their debut later in the year, while Jaehyun and Sangyeon can do something else other than being idols, like acting and modelling. There’s no group image they have to worry about, no brand they’re associated with as a part of other than the company itself. The only thing they have to worry about it’s their own names and reputations and working toward getting their names out there and nothing else. The company ships them to live in this very nice rooftop in Gangnam, so they won’t live with the trainees anymore, and start booking them for photoshoots and runway shows in a way they won’t be seen together at all.

Sangyeon starts small. First, cameos in music videos and minor roles in dramas, then photoshoots for Korean brands and walking the runway. He walks his first runway in August, walks Seoul Fashion Week in September, gets himself his first brand deal in October and opens his official Instagram first week of November. He auditions for a few roles and gets a few callbacks, but most roles are given to already famous actors. Sangyeon is doing just fine. And he’s fine with things being just fine.

Sangyeon doesn’t see Jaehyun for a while, which is something he has to get used to now. He knows Jaehyun has been shipped off somewhere in Europe to be the face of this new luxury fashion brand as his first job as a model, which isn’t half as bad as Sangyeon’s first job. He’s happy for him, in a way, even though these modeling and acting careers are nowhere near what they really wanted, and he can’t help but feel a tad guilty for letting feelings and his touch deprived self stand in the way of their very promising idol careers. Sangyeon doesn’t want to think he’s the one to blame because deep down, at the root of this issue he doesn’t know how to put a label on, he knows he wasn’t the only one. He wasn’t the only one who fell, he wasn’t the only who fucked things up beyond the point of repair, he wasn’t the only one who watched his dream career go down the drain.

He decides that, ultimately, it wasn’t just his or Jaehyun’s fault, but a co-joined blind effort into ruining their careers before they had even started. He watches the company announce all the 10 final members of The Boyz and drop teasers for their official debut in mid-November and though he’s already come to terms that the idol life and The Boyz aren’t part of his reality anymore, he can’t help but imagine what they could have been. Wonder what it would be like to be in the final lineup like he’s dreamed of so many times. Be on stage with his members and be their leader, their older brother figure, and be able to sing like he’s always wanted.

But that’s not his reality to live anymore. So he gets off his phone and drowns in countless scripts for already overdone dorama roles and tropes instead.

* * *

“God, Jaehyun, _shut the fuck up!”_ Sangyeon groans from his place on the couch, increasing the volume of their TV to what would be considered obnoxiously loud, but he doesn’t really care. It’s 7pm. Their rich ass neighbors have nothing on them. “They’re singing I’m Your Boy and I’m not going to _not_ listen to whoever is covering my parts because of your loud ass!”

“Listen here, you old hag... I’m trying to do something nice for you, can you at least appreciate the effort I’m putting into cooking for you, my dearest roommate?”

“You act as if you weren’t trying to poison me so you can keep the babies to yourself. Nice try, Jaehyun.”

“You always think the worse of me.”

“Am I wrong, though?”

“I wouldn’t poison you.” Jaehyun grunts in response. “Who else is gonna water the plants when I’m gone? Who’s gonna look after the kids?”

“Younghoon can do it.”

“Do you think I trust my beloved herb garden with Younghoon? Or my succulents? Yeah, right. Might as well just set everything on fire.”

Sangyeon laughs at the remark that the herb garden and the succulents Jaehyun started growing in their balcony as his kids. _Wait until Eric hears this._ “I thought you meant our kids. You know, the human ones.”

“They’re big babies. We’ve spoiled them rot. Look where we are.”

He stares back at the TV; Kwon Hyuksoo just stepped on stage and is greeting everyone as loudly as possible. The fans are screaming in response as the 10 boys and Hyuksoo stand in this very awkward line in the middle of the stage. The art for the I’m Your Boy logo is nice, Sangyeon thinks, and ponders if Kevin was the one who did it. He’s plugged his computer to the TV so they could watch the broadcast in high quality after the company didn’t allow them to go to the showcase in person, and though watching through a TV screen is fine, no TV can do justice to the sheer emotion in this moment.

Sangyeon is happy for his former groupmates, for overcoming the adversities that very likely came along his and Jaehyun’s sudden departure of the group and working hard toward their debut, he’s happy that their dreams are about to start coming true, he’s genuinely happy that they got to accomplish their objective as trainees and making through rounds and rounds of elimination to the final lineup. He’s happy for them, he really is, but he can’t help but feel a tad melancholic watching the 10 of them go on as The Boyz without them. He wonders who the leader is now that he isn’t there. Who the older brother figure the younger ones look up to now that Jaehyun isn’t there.

Everything Sangyeon and Jaehyun worked so hard for, their hopes, their dreams... They’re coming true right now, but they’re not there to experience it. One thing is being pulled out the group for their relationship, which Sangyeon completely understands, but now being able to go watch the showcase in person... It’s like the company is telling them that this can’t be their dream anymore. Because they’ll never be able to stand on stage ever again. Because they’re never going to be idols or singers or dancers or performers because they were young and stupid and fucked up beyond the point of return.

Sangyeon wants to be happy, but he just can’t. He thinks about himself, thinks about Jaehyun, thinks about everything they could’ve been, singing on stage together with the other 10 boys they love and care for so much, and zones out before they even perform their debut song.

* * *

“Hyung, this place is so cool!” Eric says, like the young, easily impressed baby that he is. Sangyeon smiles fondly at him, nudging the three younger boys inside so they’re not awkwardly staring into the apartment from the corridor. “This is so much cooler than our dorm! And bigger, too!”

“Can we come live with you?” It’s Hyunjun time to ask, fluttering his eyelashes cutely as he buries his face in the crook of Sangyeon’s neck to then rest his cheek on his shoulder, nosing Sangyeon’s cheek with a pout, “_Pleaaaase,_ hyung. I don’t wanna be roommates with Kevin and Changmin anymore. They’re so gross, hyung, they act so gross and mushy together. Please save me. I’ll lose my mind if I have to see Changmin pretending to cringe when Kevin does something stupid.”

“Me too! Chanhee hits me with a rag whenever I forget to tidy up. Which is pretty much every day. I want a new roommate. Can I come live with you, hyung? I shower every day and I give the best hugs. Please?”

“Shut up, Eric, if anyone is moving in with Sangyeon-hyung then it’s clearly me! You know I’m his favorite. And Jaehyun-hyung’s favorite too.”

They’re just as Sangyeon remembers; whining overgrown babies who know their ways to Sangyeon’s heart (and wallet) by acting cute and pouting. Hyunjun and Eric are fighting about being the favorites, which they both are to their own extents; Sangyeon has always had an awful soft spot for Hyunjun, soft spoken but witty, charming, and Jaehyun always treated Eric and Sunwoo like they were his own baby brothers. Or actual children. Jaehyun doesn’t know the difference between treating them as former group members and treating them as he birthed them himself.

He looks over at Sunwoo, who’s been awfully quiet for the whole time, standing by the doorframe. “What about you, Sunwoo?”

“I like rooming with Younghoon and Juyeon. They’re not as bad as one would think.” He mutters. “Where is Jaehyun-hyung?”

“I don’t think he’s in Seoul now.” Jaehyun is in Seoul, actually; he even tried to take Sangyeon out for dinner last night when he arrived in town as an attempt to make up for the fact he forgot to send flowers to the kids like he promised, which then led to Sangyeon to order three bouquets of flowers last minute and spend an awful amount of money on flowers. Jaehyun is a forgetful idiot, but Sangyeon would not buy the kids flowers to make up to the ones Jaehyun had promised to buy them. “I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

Hyunjun looks at him and winks, as in who says, _‘Of course you haven’t’_, but Hyunjun knows better than dragging Sangyeon and his unhealthy coping mechanisms through filth in front of Sunwoo and Eric, “Jaehyun-hyung is in Seoul, actually. He’s taking us out for dinner tomorrow. Didn’t you get his text, Sunwoo?”

“I muted his chat a while ago. He sends too many selfies. Too many messages, too.”

Sangyeon laughs. Of course he sends too many selfies, and too many messages. Typical Jaehyun behavior.

“Oh, and hyung, thanks for the flowers!” Sunwoo says cheerfully, pulling out his phone from his pocket to show Sangyeon the pictures they took of the flowers Sangyeon (and Jaehyun) had sent them in celebration of their official debut, “See? The arrangements were so nice. Did you pick them yourself, or did Jaehyun-hyung help?”

Jaehyun didn’t even see the flowers. He had texted Sangyeon on the day of the showcase from the airport, telling him he had forgotten about the promised bouquets and asking if Sangyeon could be a lifesaver and buy 3 more bouquets in his name. When he arrived at their apartment, Sangyeon had already bought, paid and sent the bouquets out for delivery. Jaehyun didn’t even ask about the flowers or how much they were, but promised Sangyeon he would pay him back eventually.

“We picked them together.”

“Awwww, that’s so nice! I’m glad you guys are getting along nowadays.” Hyunjun coos, pinching Sangyeon’s cheek, “It’s weird not having you two around to act like our moms anymore. It’s so hard to bribe Jacob-hyung to buy things for us, it’s so unfair.”

Sangyeon forces a smile. “Do you only miss us because we were easy to bribe?”

“No.” Eric and Hyunjun says, while Sunwoo mutters a “Yes.”

Hyunjun slaps the back of Sunwoo’s neck. “Shut up, Sunwoo. The only reason you’re enjoying this is because you have a crush on Jacob-hyung and now you don’t have Sangyeon-hyung judging you so hard for going to sleep in their room all the time.”

“Sangyeon-hyung didn’t judge me for sleeping in their room all the time. Right?” Sunwoo argues, looking over at Sangyeon for reassurance, and when Sangyeon shakes his head dismissively, he continues, “See? Sangyeon-hyung would never judge me. He loves us too much.”

“Don’t push it, brat.” Sangyeon warns with a big smile on his face, running his fingers through Sunwoo’s hair and ruining the hairstyle he knows Sunwoo spent at least half an hour in front of the bathroom mirror trying to achieve, “Well. You little goblins know you’ll always be welcome here. I’ll have my manager make a spare key then I’ll send it to you so you can stop by anytime you want. Deal?”

“Deal!”

* * *

The thing about being the less attractive and less successful version of top model Lee Jaehyun is that Sangyeon knows. He’s well aware that Jaehyun is undoubtedly more successful than he is. That Jaehyun is walking Paris Fashion Week for Gucci, New York Fashion Week for Prada, Milan Fashion Week for Versace, while he’s still in Korea trying to make his mediocre acting career somehow takeoff by getting crappy best friend left out of a love triangle so the main couple can thrive and the terrible ex-boyfriend who never moved on kind of roles in generic doramas.

Brands have suddenly started to care about diversity when it comes to their models, now that having a diverse cast is good and appeals to a bigger audience other than the white European millionaires. European designer brands finally realized that their biggest and most lucrative market is China, with this new wave of self-made millionaires and are now looking for to appeal even more to these Chinese customers. The way to do it? Hire East Asian models that would be appealing to both the Chinese and Western buyers. And Jaehyun’s face is perfect for that. He’s perfect for Gucci, Prada and Versace. He’s the perfect model with perfect work ethics and the perfect body and the perfect walk.

He’s perfect. He’s fucking perfect and Sangyeon _knows_ it.

Sangyeon doesn’t mean for it to happen. He doesn’t mean to let it slip the way it did, he doesn’t mean to phrase it in a way that sounded as bitter and salty as it did, he doesn’t mean to sound like he hates Jaehyun when asked about his co-worker and his success, but somehow the interviewer made it seem like he hates Jaehyun’s guts for being successful than him and everyone in the celebrity industry is waiting for them to beef publicly. Sure, Sangyeon _does_ feel like throwing himself out of the window every time someone mentions Jaehyun or The Boyz in one of his interviews, and he’s done a pretty okay job at pretending he doesn’t care about being asked about his peers’ success rather than his own. One might argue that he isn’t even _that_ famous, and that if people know him, they either know him as The Boyz’s the one that got away, or that one salty aspiring idol turned actor turned model that hated Jaehyun, his _successful_ counterpart, and to that, Sangyeon says: fuck off.

Jaehyun comes home after work that night. They’re both in Seoul, which is sort of a miracle at this point, but the company isn’t trying so hard to keep them in separate corners of the world anymore, and though Sangyeon has been invited for dinner by some of his former co-stars, he still hasn’t managed to get off the couch and make himself look somewhat presentable. Jaehyun has bags of takeout and groceries and Sangyeon can hear the soju bottles clinking inside of his bags.

“You’re here.”

“I live here.”

“I know, dumbass.” Jaehyun groans, making his way past the couch and walking to the kitchen. Sangyeon gets up — to fetch himself a glass of water, he tells himself. Maybe he can just kiss Jaehyun quiet and forget that they are supposed to hate each other for half an hour. Maybe Jaehyun will punch him in the stomach and tell him to fuck off. Who knows at this point, really. “I’m just wondering why you’re not avoiding me like you always do, since you’ve gone public about hating me, as it seems.”

_I couldn’t ever hate you._ “You know that’s not true.”

“You’re a terrible liar. We both _know_ you hate me. You said it yourself. Meanwhile I’m here, trying my best not to talk about you even when interviewers keep pushing their fetishizes and conspiracy theories about why we’re never seen together and keep things professional between us, and you just blew it like that. Fuck you, really.”

“I hate being known as the less successful version of you,” Sangyeon admits quietly, “You know I don’t hate you. You know I wouldn’t be here if I hated you.”

“Do I? Do I really know, Sangyeon?”

Sangyeon presses a kiss to Jaehyun’s neck. Tentative. Testing the waters. “You do. You know everything, don’t you?”

“I do.” He says back with a shit eating grin, sliding his hands up Sangyeon’s arms and gripping his shoulders. Jaehyun loves when Sangyeon goes out of his way to feed his ego like that, to tell him how much better Jaehyun is when they both know he’s lying. Sangyeon can be nice to Jaehyun when he wants to. “I know you, too.”

Jaehyun can be nice to Sangyeon when he wants something.

“Why did you buy so many bottles of soju if you’re drinking on your own?”

“I was hoping you’d join me.” Jaehyun says, pressing Sangyeon against the sink and undoing his belt, “Will you drink a bottle of soju with me, _hyung_?”

_“After this.”_

“Okay.” He grins, “After this.”

* * *

“I’m off to France for the next year and a half.” Jaehyun whispers, lips pressed against Sangyeon’s temple, before he kisses Sangyeon’s hair. He’s holding Sangyeon too tight for his own good; Sangyeon’s arm hurts from the position he’s lying on top of Jaehyun’s chest, but Sangyeon isn’t going to be the one to break away. Sangyeon missed this, missed him too much to break away so soon from Jaehyun’s embrace. “I’m leaving tomorrow night.”

Sangyeon isn’t sure as to what he’s supposed to say.

That he’s happy this modeling thing is working for at least one of them? That he’s happy he’s getting actual, serious modeling jobs rather than crappy dorama roles and shoots for unknown brands who Photoshop his face in a way it doesn’t even look like him while Jaehyun is the face of Chanel? That he isn’t jealous of him when this only proves Sangyeon is the less successful version of Jaehyun?

He doesn’t want them to fight, but he knows this is exactly what will happen if he says virtually anything back. They will fight, cuss each other out, then somehow in the midst of the way of telling each other to fuck off, Sangyeon will find himself in Jaehyun’s bed again, and they’ll go back to exactly where they are now. But Sangyeon doesn’t want to fight again and make up again. So he stays quiet and nuzzles the crook of Jaehyun’s neck.

Jaehyun runs his fingers through Sangyeon’s hair and kisses him again.

“A year and a half is a long time to be away from home. I hope it pays off well. Not being able to see your family, the kids... I’m worried you’ll be lonely without me being your annoying roommate.” Sangyeon says softly, gently, and Jaehyun laughs at the remark, “I’m happy for you, Jaehyun. You deserve it. This is a huge work opportunity and I sincerely hope you get to make the most of it.”

“You’re awfully soft today,” Jaehyun notes with another laugh, “This is so unlike you. Almost... sweet, I’d say.”

“I can be soft,” Sangyeon insists before he leans in to kiss Jaehyun again, “We can be sweet.”

“Yeah. We can be sweet. But it’s kind of unlike us, isn’t it?”

“Shut up. Let’s be sweet for now.”

“Okay,” He agrees, kissing Sangyeon’s temple, “Let’s be sweet.”

* * *

Sangyeon meets Jaehyun six months later in the Emirates First Class lounge in a layover in Dubai on his way to London; his Seoul-Dubai-London connection had a 10-hour layover in Dubai, and much to his luck, the company was kind enough to get him a business class ticket, but ultimately, knowing people in high places was always a good thing to have up his sleeve. He got upgraded to the first class on both flights, which means he also gets to enjoy a very nice 8-hour stay in the First Class lounge.

He isn’t expecting to meet Jaehyun there, of course. But it seems like Jaehyun is everywhere — he’s seen Jaehyun’s face posing for an instant noodle ad when he walked by the 7/11 in the entrance of Terminal 1, he’s seen posters of Jaehyun instructing guests how to prepare themselves for the full body scanner, he’s seen him pose with some very expensive looking bag when he passed by Chanel’s duty free store. Sangyeon is quite convinced he can’t really run away from him. He’s everywhere he looks, even when he isn’t looking.

Here’s what happens: he notices Jaehyun the second he walks in, but there isn’t a real reason for him to make a move to go talk to him, or greet him, even, so he grabs his suitcase and walks over to an empty table by the window. He looks at the menu, orders, and connects his phone to the premium Wi-Fi network they have available for guests. He looks up, and Jaehyun is looking him dead in the eye, but he hasn’t moved a muscle yet, so Sangyeon thinks this will be one of those moments in which they acknowledge each other’s existence but don’t do anything about it. Which, to be fair, is kind of a common occurrence for them; they always pretend not to know each other outside of their shared apartment, because tabloids love beef and most of them are still hung up on the fact Sangyeon might have implied he didn’t like Jaehyun _once_.

But this isn’t Seoul. No one knows or cares about them here.

Jaehyun makes the move to sit on the seat across from Sangyeon. His hair a bit different from the last time Sangyeon saw him, a tad lighter, leaning more toward blond than it is to brown, and it suits him. He’s got a kind of tan going on, too. It looks good on him, the new hair color and the tan. Jaehyun always looks stunning. It’s just another thing Sangyeon has to get to terms with.

Jaehyun will always be beautiful, no matter what he does to his hair or his face or his body, because being beautiful is just what Jaehyun is.

Sangyeon will always be a bit in love with him, no matter how much time goes by, because Jaehyun is just _that_ hard to get over.

Some things don’t change, after all.

They make up for the lost time in Sangyeon’s assigned suite. Jaehyun relaxes in Sangyeon’s hold, melting into the familiarity of his touch, and kisses him urgently. Sangyeon wants to cup his face and tell him that they should stop meeting like this, that they’re both terribly awful to each other, that.., But when Jaehyun nibbles at his lower lip and licks into his mouth, Sangyeon pants against Jaehyun’s mouth and lets himself relax in Jaehyun’s hold. Jaehyun is the worst for his willpower.

Sangyeon missed him. That’s his excuse to sleep with Jaehyun that day.

Jaehyun has a flight back to Paris to catch. He lingers in Sangyeon’s bed for longer than he should, risking losing his flight. He’s in the middle of telling this story about an emergency meeting back in Seoul that had him fly there last minute, and now he’s going back to France when he gets a call from his manager telling him he better be out the lounge by now or else.

Sangyeon watches Jaehyun get himself ready in lightning speed and run out the door still in bed.

He doesn’t kiss Jaehyun goodbye this time.

* * *

“Hello. Can I speak with, uh,” The person on the phone starts then suddenly stops, very likely to read his name written off his hand, “Lee Sangyeon?”

“Yes, this is him. Who is this?”

“I’m Johnny Seo, I’m Im Yoona’s personal assistant. We had a mishap during today’s shoot and your friend Jaehyun had to be sent to the hospital. He asked me to call you to come get him. Can you come get him, sir?”

Sangyeon stares blankly at his British Airlines boarding pass. He has a flight to catch from Heathrow to Incheon in less than two hours if he wants to get home in time to spend the holidays with his family and see the kids while they’re off work, and a flight to wherever in Europe Jaehyun is will take him at least three hours just to get there. Sure, he can call management and have them put him in the next flight, so he has time to go, get Jaehyun and come back in time for the flight, but the idea of going out of his way to go pick up his roommate who he hasn’t seen in a year and hasn’t spoken to in nine months from the hospital sounds _too weird_ to him.

He ponders if he should go through all this trouble, not spend the holidays with his family and not see the kids like he’s been dying to, all this for fucking Lee Jaehyun, who hasn’t had the decency to reply to his cordial, _manager gave him a death stare_ congratulatory birthday text.

He wonders if Jaehyun would do the same for him.

_Pffft._ Who is he kidding? Of course Jaehyun wouldn’t.

Which is the only reason why Sangyeon decides that yes, he will go out of his way to go to wherever Jaehyun is in Europe and look after him now that he’s in the hospital for some reason that is yet to be discovered, because that’s what he’d expect from a friend.

Expecting the same from a caring, or at the very least a barely decent of a person kind of roommate would be a stretch, because Jaehyun is anything but caring or barely decent.

“Hello?” The guy on the other side of the line asks, sounding in much distress.

“I’m sorry, you caught me completely off guard. He asked specifically for me, you said?”

“I don’t know. Is there another Lee Sangyeon in your agency?”

He sighs. “Nope, just me.”

“Then I guess it’s you. We’re taking him to the Hôpital Civil in Strasbourg. Should we wait for you to come get him? Or should I call someone else?”

“I’m coming. Just... arrange me a way to get to this hospital from the airport. I’m getting on the next flight to Strasbourg, I’ll be there in a few hours. Keep him still until I get there.”

So he flies to Strasbourg via KLM in a cramped London-Amsterdam connection, rushes through the Amsterdam airport in the very little layover time he has before his next flight and eventually makes his way to the Hôpital Civil in the center of Strasbourg. He’s never been to Alsace before and he doesn’t even have time attempt to scratch some French before Im Yoona’s personal assistant Johnny Seo picks him up from the airport and drives him to the hospital at legally questionable speed.

Jaehyun is almost asleep by the time Sangyeon arrives. He’s all wrapped up in blankets, face covered with a mask, but he takes off his mask to say, sounding awfully surprised, “You’re here.”

“You sound surprised.” Sangyeon laughs, settling on the couch beside his bed. “Of course I’m here. You asked me to come get you. So here I am.”

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

“I did.” He sighs. “What trouble did you get into this time around?”

“Hypothermia.” Jaehyun replies, “You know me. You know I’d stay in freezing water until I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore if that meant a series of good shots.”

“You’re an idiot.” He lets his body relax against the stiff couch behind his back, stretching his limbs, “I can’t believe I’m gonna spending Chuseok with you instead of going home. My mom will be so disappointed I won’t be home for the holidays.”

“You were going home?” Jaehyun coughs, “I’m so jealous. I have two shoots tomorrow, and other two or three the next few days. Eric is going to kill me for not sending him a gift card again.”

“Call him. Tell him you forgot and that next year you’ll be there with him.”

“I shouldn’t make a promise I can’t keep.” He argues back. Sangyeon looks up from the flood of messages Sunwoo and Hyunjun sent him in the groupchat he’s in and wonders if Jaehyun is in a similar group chat with them too, “You know how forgetful I am. I didn’t even remember Chuseok is tomorrow until I overheard Johnny and Yoona talking about it.”

“Buy a planner. It should help.”

“Hyunjun bought me one for Christmas last year. Guess what. I never even touched it. I feel like an awful parent. My kid bought me a gift with his hard earned money and I never even touched the goddamn planner he got me. I’m awful.”

“Yes, you’re awful, but Hyunjun loves you regardless. Eric and Sunwoo love you too.” _I love you too._ “Stop being so hard on yourself, Jaehyun. I’m sure they get it. Or do you think they wear every single ugly Christmas sweater we got them? Of course they don’t. So you’re fine. Stop overthinking it.”

“You’re not making me feel any better, if that’s your intention.”

“You know it’s not my intention. I’m just making small talk until your assigned nurse comes check up on you and declares you as good as you can get so we can leave. What hotel are you staying at? I’m not sleeping _here_, just so you know.”

“My hotel is in a different city. I’m driving back there after they check me out.”

“How far away from here is it?”

“Like, 2-3 hours away from here. Maybe more.”

“Don’t be stupid, there’s no way I’m letting you drive 3 hours after you just got out of the hospital. You need to rest. I’m finding us a place to spend the night.”

“I’m fine.”

“Stop lying to yourself,” Sangyeon groans, “I’m booking us a hotel. You can drive back there in the morning. _You’re welcome,_ by the way.”

Jaehyun sighs in defeat, “Thank you, Sangyeon.”

* * *

“I love you.”

Sangyeon knows Jaehyun doesn’t mean it. He looks at Jaehyun from his side of the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress, and looks at him, sprawled over the pillows lazily, really looks at him. He sees his first love; he sees their rise and fall, the thrill of young love as they kissed while no one was looking, the excitement of doing something that is supposed to be bad but it just feels _so good_. He sees his youth in one man and thinks again about everything they could have been if they had never fallen for each other. Thinks of enjoying the success The Boyz are enjoying as one of the hottest boygroups in the industry, thinks of his former members, thinks of doing what he really loves, and thinks about Jaehyun. Jaehyun is beautiful in all the ways there are to be beautiful.

But Sangyeon can’t love him anymore.

They don’t love each other anymore.

“You don’t love me. And that’s okay. Let’s stop pretending to still love each other.”

“I’m not a liar like you, Sangyeon,” Jaehyun says, and he sounds scared. _Scared_. “I love you. Whether you believe me or not. _I love you, I love you, I love you._ Please don’t leave me.”

Sangyeon lets himself be pulled back to Jaehyun’s embrace. He remains quiet as Jaehyun sobs on his shoulder and just holds him in his arms. “It’s okay, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

Five years into this whole aspiring idol turned model turned actor thing, Sangyeon finally gets a chance to sing on stage like he’s always wanted. The company bought a participant slot for King of Masked Singer that the company intended on giving to Chanhee, now known as New, but he insists and begs his manager so much that he ends up getting it. He picks the song the day his manager lets him know he’s going on King of Masked Singer, goes for fitting of the mask a month before his scheduled appearance, and gets a custom-made white suit for his performance. Sangyeon practices the duet song, Because It’s Christmas, for two weeks straight until he hits every note perfectly. He’s more confident about his individual performance, but he assumes that’s natural because it’s a song he picked, and he knows every word to the song.

Jaehyun calls him the second he’s backstage. He asks, _“Are you on King of Masked Singer right now?”_

“I don’t think I’d be on the phone with you if that was the case.”

_“Hah, you’re so funny,”_ Jaehyun says back, and Sangyeon can _see_ him rolling his eyes, _“Did you really think I’d see you singing on national TV and not know it’s you? Come on, Sangyeon. You know I know you better than this.”_

“How did you know it was me?”

_“Your voice. Duh. There’s no way I wouldn’t recognize your voice,”_ He retorts, _“What are you singing for your solo round?”_

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

Jaehyun laughs from his side of the line. _“Okay. Fair enough. Well, if you win, I’ll take you out for dinner in the best place in town. I’ll get you flowers, even. But you have to win.”_

“I can’t promise you I’ll win. But I’ll try. For you.”

_“Good luck, Sangyeon.”_

He doesn’t win King of Masked Singer. He somehow makes it to the final round, but he doesn’t win against the current King. But that doesn’t stop Jaehyun from buying him flowers and taking him out for dinner in the best place in town, also known as their apartment, and ordering takeout from their favorite place. They laze around at home and enjoy a few moments of comfortable silence while watching Hotel del Luna.

Sangyeon gets up to take off his makeup and ready himself for bed. Jaehyun sneaks behind him in his bathroom, kisses his neck and wishes him good night.

They don’t sleep together.

Sangyeon thinks things can work out.

* * *

Sangyeon doesn’t renew his contract with Creker Entertainment after it expires. There isn’t much the company can offer him for him to stay at this point; he wants to _sing_, which is something the company doesn’t want him to, despite the success his King of Masked Singer appearance had, and the company wants to keep pushing him into the acting and modeling industries. The company tried to pressure him into renewing his contract by offering him a significant raise and promising several things Sangyeon knows they won’t keep. He’s spent the last seven years being miserable. He’s doing this, leaving Creker Entertainment and by default, his association with Lee Jaehyun, The Boyz and now disbanded group Melody Day, for _himself_.

His departure from the company makes it to the local news, who report very professionally on the matter.

_Lee Sangyeon decides not to renew his contract with Creker Entertainment after it expired last month._

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It’s the first thing Jaehyun asks the second Sangyeon sets foot in their apartment, voice so small, almost inaudible, and so, so unlike him. “Tell me, Sangyeon, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I?” Is Sangyeon’s reply, and in his own defense, there is no reason why he _should_ tell Jaehyun. It’s not like he has to tell him what he does or doesn’t with his life, anyway. “So when we fight about not being honest with each other like we always do, you could hold my own wishes against me? I’m leaving because I want to. My contract expired. I spent the last seven years of my life on a job that I hate, and now I have the chance to finally do something that I like. I want to sing, Jaehyun, I’m a singer, not a model or an actor like you. Can you at least _pretend_ to be happy for me?”

Jaehyun goes awfully quiet for a moment.

“Will I see you again after you move out?”

There are a few ways this could possibly go. He could and say that no, they won’t be seeing each other because they’re no good to each other and they both know it because they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms each of them found comfort in going back to time after time. He could say that there are so many things left unspoken between them, so many unresolved feelings, so much history and so much hurt that follows them for years. He could also say that yes, they could see each other in a friendly context, that they could keep in touch if they established limits and boundaries for whatever this is.

But he knows that isn’t what Jaehyun wants.

Jaehyun wants to hate Sangyeon. He wants to hate Sangyeon so, so bad; Sangyeon can tell by the look of betrayal in his eyes, the way his voice shakes whenever he tries to speak and the way he can’t bring himself to look Sangyeon in the eye. He’s angry and he’s upset and he feels betrayed that the man he spent his youth with is leaving him like he promised he never would without saying a word.

“I don’t know. Do you want to?”

“I-I... don’t know,” Jaehyun says with a sniff, wiping away a tear with the sleeve of his shirt, “I don’t know, Sangyeon. I... I need time to think.”

“Then you won’t be seeing me for a while. We’ve had plenty of time to learn how to avoid each other for long periods of time. I’ll be staying at a hotel until I can find another place to live. I’ll just get some clothes and I’ll be out the door soon.”

Jaehyun watches Sangyeon fumble in his room quietly.

“Sangyeon.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. About everything. I know I blamed you for ruining our careers with your stupid feelings and I know I’m an asshole with terrible coping mechanisms that can’t keep me away from you for too long. I...” He starts, but his voice betrays him again, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry things didn’t work out for us the way we imagined they would.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s okay. This is for the best.”

“I know. It’s just... I’ll miss you. That’s all.”

“Goodbye, Jaehyun.”

“Goodbye, Sangyeon.”

There are things better off unsaid.

(“I love you.”)

(“I love you too.”)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! ♡


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